Day 39 – Break on through to the other side
Yesterday my leg had an epiphany. Can that happen? It is as if its got a mind of its own. All snuggled in the cast, healing on its own (her own?), seeming to grow fungi, sticky against the plastic cushions inside, stunted range of motion. I stare at my toes and realize I painted the nails weeks ago – they need a touch up but I’d rather wait for the luxury of spa treatment, which I have scheduled for July 1, the day after a very special day that has nothing to do with my broken leg.
I woke up yesterday and chortled even before I breathed because I realized my leg was still broken. At least I haven’t lost my sense of humor.
At work, I finally felt no pain. It’s gone. I am eleven days away from a walking boot and while there are aches and these are hints of things to come as I learn to walk and skate and drive again, the pain is gone. It just sort of … happened. Suddenly I realized that the severe pain that had been slowly dissipating over the last few weeks, and the complete exhuastion I’d felt from the simplest of chores has left me.
I am now faced with a softer body already in need of repair and a dreaded set of insecurities of my ability as a skater and my willingness to get from point A (couch muffin) to point B (solid derby hopeful). As someone who has never been fully committed to physical change all the way, I am doubly challenged by my new limitations. Will my patience change? My level of commitment? My ability to challenge myself? Will my recovery continue to threaten to be an afterthought?
The reality of this injury has not lost itself on me. Contrarily, everything is in its place, everything is as it should be. Even the crooked bits. The physical parts of me that are misshapen, the extra hardware that I’ll keep forever sway the wonky bits in my head and the imbalance isn’t only physical. I imagine the future holds mindful challenges of doubt and frustration, disillusionment and sadness. Troubled by the future of what’s to come but comforted by my uncanny ability to embrace ambiguity, I press on because there’s nothing left to do.
Should I allow this reality to weigh too heavy on me the burden will be ridiculous. Better just to Suck It Up and fightt through it. Continue to enjoy the lessons learned – even and especially the lessons I don’t know I’m learning just yet.
My second wave of this experience is upon me. I no longer manage the pain with no assistance because I am no longer in pain. Now, I’m irritated by my limitations. For the next eleve days as I feel less and less dull aches, I imagine the challege will be in wishing I could do what I can’t just yet.
How does that go? Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see what fills up first? The meaning of that phrasing leaves me baffled but I think I’m supposed to not bother with wishing for anything because wishing for what you don’t have only makes you want it more. I’ll be working for my action.
